hey

monday: i keep noticing how newly solid and organic my body feels. i wipe the sleep out of my eyes, and the way my index finger feels against the bridge of my nose is different. i scratch my ankle or my jaw, and the way my nails feel against my skin is different. there’s novelty in the repose. when i am alone, i sometimes have found myself running my fingertips along my forearms or chin or the back of my neck, or gripping my wrists or knees or upper arms; just in wonder at the calm of the sensation. i feel like some siren-circuit in me has been quieted. i had forgotten what it feels like to be embodied in this way.

tuesday: there’s a scent i have loved for years and i’m smelling it now. i can’t figure out where it is coming from; there are so many bodies here, but it doesn’t matter, i just feel happy. happy just to smell it, whatever it is. it is evening, and i am proud of myself, that i remained intact this whole day long. i am aware of the wholeness of myself more than ever; and i can feel hope radiating through me.

wednesday: i don’t want to hold stress in my body, the way i have and i am learning to attend to that space between the emotional and the physical. it has been good work, important work. but here now a reminder; that we all are embodied, that embodiment is not just a way of being inside myself, and how rich experience can be.

saturday: sharing can take the edge off strangeness. a friend bears witness to the strangeness and can hold it, because out of context, it is not so wobbly and sharp. and you see, oh? this strangeness is holdable. you think, oh? maybe i can hold it, too.

sometimes you just need that recognition.